Gabcast! Journals #1




I was always Jealous
by: Randall Dudley

I was always jealous of you
You with your freedom, with your knowledge
With your ability to just not care.
You would be the one who drank too much
Who was would flirt
Who wasn’t afraid to just be himself
Even in a miniskirt in heels
And I was always watching you
Controlled
Quiet
I was always alone while you
You had everyone
They knew you
Your voice
Your body
You knew how to love
I jokingly called you a whore
A slut
But secretly
I always envied you
Because you just went where the wind took you
You loved EVERYBODY
I wish I could be so kind.
You told me you loved me
I was your brother
You were my sister
I told you I loved you too
And then it came
I remember when you told me
Every single detail
Of every single thing
Became more relevant to me
Than the words coming out of your mouth
I could smell the Axe kilo, blended softly with the Chanel perfume you loved so much as I inhaled softly
The flutter of my heartbeat as my heart skipped three beats, and the rush of blood as it worked overtime to catch up
How my world tinged red
The terrified tremor in your voice so low, just above a scratchy whisper, hoarse with the uncertainty of whats to come
The feel of your warm manicured hands, on mine rough and cold, such a strange contrast for too people who shared the same soul.
I realize now the irony of the movie you chose
How ironic it was always my favorite
I think they meant it
When they said you can’t buy love
Now I know you can rent it
And then you looked at me
I have AIDS
…
…
…
The hospital bright and white and blurred and strange and different and
The smell like death and disease and pain and sorrow and
The scenes of blood and tears and wires and tubes and white coats stern stares, out cries and I
Just can’t take it.
And we leave with your prescription
22 pills
and you laugh
and you cry
and I see the pain in your eyes as I hold you laughing and crying and dying and sad and theres no way I can help you
and you knew that
your pain was killing me
didn’t you
Didn’t you?
Was that why you did it
Was that why you
Was that
Why

Blood, blood, blood, blood, blood, blood,
So much blood gushing out of the hole in
Your stomach
Bloody fingerprints on the knife that caused the blood bath
Your own fingerprints outlined in red
Not even a letter to say goodbye
Was that why
Out cries and I just can’t take it
Every single detail
Your voice
Your body
I was always jealous,
Quiet
Controlled
Even now
I still feel the pain that you left me with
Your last will and testament
To give me the burden of pain that you could not carry
I always envied
You with your freedom
You
You
Your still free

Sick

I am sick
And tired
Of being sick and tired
of men
life
and love
And I am Sick
and Tired of being tense and wired
trying to make sense
of How I feel
When all the while it's just so futile
when i know
Nothings gonna change
And yet
im seen as deranged when i strive
for change im seen as strange but
I can help myself for i couldnt live
if it all stayed the same
So Excuse Me if im too much
Excuse Me if your not ready
Excuse me if you cant handle the epic porportions of my personality
If your reality isn't strong enough to encompass me
But i am Sic and tired of being sick and tired of being So Damn Sick and tired
So pardon Me if i seem rude

His name was porky
And he had no quills
His mom hated him
His dad beat him
They called him freak
idiot
retard
In there eyes he was deformed
They Were His Parents
and yet he had no family
His name was porky
and he had no quills
His peers preened
and flashed
their spiny plumage
Trying to impress
With their rolls of quills
His name was porky
and he had no quills
So he rolled quills of another kind
The white quills
That realeased him
Brought him high in the sky where the time flies by and no one looked twice at a porcupine without a spine as long as you pass the blunt and keep drinking the wine
Because porky was with the birds
His name was porky
and he had no quills
but gues what
he no longer cared for
He had found his
Refuge





and OMFG this was hard
lol
my topic was pretty much
a depressed porcupine that has no quills and have
developed a weed addicted and its gonna be in the category of
inspirational