When I first came to Chicago on October 14, 2007 i...
Didn't know what to expect
See im from charlotte, NC, which thinks its a big city,
and i swear our motto is "Were better than Raliegh"
But even with our aspirations of being a large city
we still had the close personal relationships that come with the territory of living down the street from a cow named bessie
And then Chicago
I went from backyards to postage stamps
From trees to condos
From grass to pavement
And those weird graystone houses were just...
Wierd
Even our bums were cleaner in charlotte
I HATED Chicago
My first week in chicago i went to Navy Pier
I saw this big greyhound busload of kids
They looked nice
They looked friendly
They looked like people i could get along with
And i made my first Chicagoan friends,
And i thought, maybe, this wouldnt be so bad
3 hours later it was time for them to go
I ask "Where are ya going?"
They say "Back home....
to Charlotte, NC"
.... It was a tour bus

The reason i came to Chicago in the first place was actually my mother.
My childhood was filled with extension cords, lamps, irons, belts, the cat...
see in my mothers hands anything could become a lethal weapon
And it was funny, cuz i never learned how to duck
I wore the same, confused "aren't you my mother?" expression from age 2-15
Finally, when im 16 DSS decides to "Rescue Me" and put me in foster care, which caused my paternal grandparents to decide to grow a conscious and allow me to slave for them
But
they just wanted their perfect ideal of a grandson,
Not the Semi-perfect, MaJorly flawed me they got so
they sent me to Chicago to live with my dad
And maybe...
that's the real reason i didnt like chicago
Because i waited....

.... and waited
.... and waited

For 3 days, 4 hrs, and 28 minutes at the airport and he
never showed up
MYSPACE SAVED MY LIFE
on my entire friendslist
i had 1 friend in chicago
who wasnt even on my top, and he let me live with him
but, even though 9 people lived in that house


... I had never felt so alone in my life
and i HATED it
i hated the gnawing, gaping hole in my broken heart
i hated the rivers that carved my cheeks into canyons
I HATED how i wasnt worth ANYTHING to him

So..
I changed

i became someone wiser
someone friendlier
someone nicer, stronger, better
Someone who didn't have this Wall Of Pain, separating him from the rest of the world
And i became popular
And i Made Friends
and my heart started to heal and i began to feel
That Maybe
Chicago wasnt the worst thing in my life
And i started to feel the rhythm in the broken pavement
Shattered Glass
and Dingy streets
I started to see the Beauty in the graffitti
I became lost in this sea of people and the kaliedoscope of culture and i began to lose my identity...


.... or maybe i found it
See i became Mexican,
I became white
I became Black, asian, greek
I became someone who saw that everybody has something to share
That there were people with pain greater than mine, and my heart healed through them, and i found my happiness with them
i was home
and as the Tribune replace the Observer
and as 55 degrees became shortsleeves weather
I look around an realize
Chicago taught me to find the happiness
in myself

Maybe Next Lifetime

When my soul first encountered you, you were a distant red and gold bird in my dreams,
Who i barley noticed, just a passing thought
But i you were a pheonix
The symbolic of reincarnation and
Maybe
that should have been my first clue
to the you that was to run through and through and through my life, my mind, and truth
The first time my soul recognized yours you were a soldier
trapped in the stale brick and exposed concrete room
Telling me the horrors of an idealistic government qnd how
it would end up causing me unbearable pain, the loss of you,
But your vioce told me secrets of similarities, slowly spinning a web, messaging me out " i Know You" like wilburs charlotte
When i first fought you
We were two starving Cats in an alley
And there was only one dumpster of food
and as i collapsed in a malnutritioned coma
my last thought was as least theres more for you
When i first loved you.. now thats hard
Was it when you were the static in my phone, and the rhythmic rolling sounds of your snap, crackle, pop accepted my flaws instantly
or was it when i had my moment of bad karma and i lived just long enough to see you in the arms of someone else, and the pain of that cut me deep, deep enough for me to confess,
forgive me for i have sinned
No it was when i was a banker
And my currency was your trust,
and i threw away all limits
as you deposited and withdrew
and we balanced our emotions until
All that was left was you
and me
The next time i saw you
I didnt know you
You were a strangers whose deep eyes captured me
but your stupidity drove me away and maybe i should haved stayed
because that was the lifetime you needed me the most

seventh lifetime
you were a poet and
this, this was where we connected it
and our entire souls were affected
by the sparkling shimmers that carresed it
Us
with the hintof the familiar that says
"I have been yours Forever"
forever since then has seen us as lovers and friends
as vishnu and shiva,
i was the wind that stirred your hair,
and i was the bear that you escaped when you were a rabbit
but through the myraids of life we connected
And in Each lifetime we were brought together,
Some how,
because the truth is
this is a circle
natural and forever
Continuing in a repeated pattern of
love and like and friendship, righteous kisses, fists of fury
But
all i hope
all i pray
is that maybe next lifetime
Youll remember me too

a poetic interpetation of a self written haiku

Art is Beautiful
I Display Emotions Raw
you say Masterpiece

Art is beautiful
I am inspired by my culture
My muse, Weed
The weed that lets me rhyme with ease on the breeze, flying free
Let me be
My artwork, not dispayed on paper,
My papers are used to roll and burn, roll and burn, roll and burn, and i yearn to be something greater but i am offput by previous examples of failure and besides, right now, im having to much fun,
And i have my crew
Together we come together under a like mind, and similar interpetations of the infrastructure of the streets.
And they ask me, to give my initiation piece
Art is beautiful
My parchement, concrete
My brush cold steel
And it is a complete package of sound and smells and sights with visual displays of bright color and a flash of sunrise
I display emotions raw
Bang swish
My first stroke cause the quick smells of TNT accompanied by a vibrant flash of orange fire
Squish Splat
The Sound of my red paint hitting the concrete eerily bringing back memories of yesterdays spilt milk.
Then you see the emotion in the eyes
The eyes of shocked innocence
I display emotions raw
Bang Bang
Splat Splat
Thud
I watch him fall
Gun still cocked
Caught up in the moment and i realize the destructive potential of my art.
If he was just a little faster with his brush i would have been his fire engine red materpiece on the cold conctrete with my signature a dusty chalk outline
Is only i was a little slower i could have seen how my art could inspire others to replicate my work, How i instigated a modern revolution
But its too late, its done
You say masterpiece
blue lights, turn to cold chains
Congratutions from my crew, turn to tears as his family looks at the still black box
Tears turn to vengence as art causes a reckoning
And i see that one spoken sentence, can last for 30 years
behind cold bars
i see his children, most affected by my art
They look at the bars
see my eyes filled with remorse, see my life withering away in an orange jumpsuit
they say Masterpiece

I have always been your bitch

i have been in your
concrete box ever since i was born in your baby blue jumber and given power ranger toys and i was told that i had to be a man
and I was made to realize that in this fight or flight reflex that was life only the fight was respected in me
and i
Was a pacifist
Everyone tried to tell me that it would all be ok
but every one knows the bad stuff is easier to believe
So to fix my broken perspective
And to achieve a new directive
i tried to find a way to ease my pain
And i turned to words
I figured maybe if i could speak fast enough
Maybe if i could Speak loud enough
Maybe i could keep my demons at bay
And i thought maybe if i could write boldd enough, i could get an artificial 3rd party respect.
But then i realized
I only thoought i was a nobody when i looked in the mirror and saw i was not the somebody that you wanted to see
and neither was he
And neither was she
And neither were we
well
I am me as he is she and she is me and you are we and We Are All Together
Our voices are our weapons and together we will win
Peace will overcome destruction and we begged you to Repent
And we thought we met our objective when we saw that we had friends
And we thought we could achieve Liberation
And we never knew that this was a fantasy until you dropped you bomb that was reality, and then i knew, that i can make up all my stories of change, and get lost inside my imagery but in actuality, Hell Still Goes On.
And Then Me and she and he became enemies, and guns helped us murder their families because the only way to bring peace to our realities was to cause the same pain that they had brought to our broken fantasy
And our shame
Was not in our hypocrisy
But that we were not big enough to achieve the same Mass destruction that they did
And as we trapped and trained their kids
To fight the lies that they hid
We began to feel the same hate that fueled our hatred
And we started to wear the same faces that they did
Then i looked in the mirror and saw that i was finally a Somebody
That they could now Respect
I had become the monster that i had been fighting
and i knew the truth which was
Society
I have always been your bitch

Gabcast! Journals #1




I was always Jealous
by: Randall Dudley

I was always jealous of you
You with your freedom, with your knowledge
With your ability to just not care.
You would be the one who drank too much
Who was would flirt
Who wasn’t afraid to just be himself
Even in a miniskirt in heels
And I was always watching you
Controlled
Quiet
I was always alone while you
You had everyone
They knew you
Your voice
Your body
You knew how to love
I jokingly called you a whore
A slut
But secretly
I always envied you
Because you just went where the wind took you
You loved EVERYBODY
I wish I could be so kind.
You told me you loved me
I was your brother
You were my sister
I told you I loved you too
And then it came
I remember when you told me
Every single detail
Of every single thing
Became more relevant to me
Than the words coming out of your mouth
I could smell the Axe kilo, blended softly with the Chanel perfume you loved so much as I inhaled softly
The flutter of my heartbeat as my heart skipped three beats, and the rush of blood as it worked overtime to catch up
How my world tinged red
The terrified tremor in your voice so low, just above a scratchy whisper, hoarse with the uncertainty of whats to come
The feel of your warm manicured hands, on mine rough and cold, such a strange contrast for too people who shared the same soul.
I realize now the irony of the movie you chose
How ironic it was always my favorite
I think they meant it
When they said you can’t buy love
Now I know you can rent it
And then you looked at me
I have AIDS
…
…
…
The hospital bright and white and blurred and strange and different and
The smell like death and disease and pain and sorrow and
The scenes of blood and tears and wires and tubes and white coats stern stares, out cries and I
Just can’t take it.
And we leave with your prescription
22 pills
and you laugh
and you cry
and I see the pain in your eyes as I hold you laughing and crying and dying and sad and theres no way I can help you
and you knew that
your pain was killing me
didn’t you
Didn’t you?
Was that why you did it
Was that why you
Was that
Why

Blood, blood, blood, blood, blood, blood,
So much blood gushing out of the hole in
Your stomach
Bloody fingerprints on the knife that caused the blood bath
Your own fingerprints outlined in red
Not even a letter to say goodbye
Was that why
Out cries and I just can’t take it
Every single detail
Your voice
Your body
I was always jealous,
Quiet
Controlled
Even now
I still feel the pain that you left me with
Your last will and testament
To give me the burden of pain that you could not carry
I always envied
You with your freedom
You
You
Your still free

Sick

I am sick
And tired
Of being sick and tired
of men
life
and love
And I am Sick
and Tired of being tense and wired
trying to make sense
of How I feel
When all the while it's just so futile
when i know
Nothings gonna change
And yet
im seen as deranged when i strive
for change im seen as strange but
I can help myself for i couldnt live
if it all stayed the same
So Excuse Me if im too much
Excuse Me if your not ready
Excuse me if you cant handle the epic porportions of my personality
If your reality isn't strong enough to encompass me
But i am Sic and tired of being sick and tired of being So Damn Sick and tired
So pardon Me if i seem rude

His name was porky
And he had no quills
His mom hated him
His dad beat him
They called him freak
idiot
retard
In there eyes he was deformed
They Were His Parents
and yet he had no family
His name was porky
and he had no quills
His peers preened
and flashed
their spiny plumage
Trying to impress
With their rolls of quills
His name was porky
and he had no quills
So he rolled quills of another kind
The white quills
That realeased him
Brought him high in the sky where the time flies by and no one looked twice at a porcupine without a spine as long as you pass the blunt and keep drinking the wine
Because porky was with the birds
His name was porky
and he had no quills
but gues what
he no longer cared for
He had found his
Refuge





and OMFG this was hard
lol
my topic was pretty much
a depressed porcupine that has no quills and have
developed a weed addicted and its gonna be in the category of
inspirational