Gabcast! Journals #1




I was always Jealous
by: Randall Dudley

I was always jealous of you
You with your freedom, with your knowledge
With your ability to just not care.
You would be the one who drank too much
Who was would flirt
Who wasn’t afraid to just be himself
Even in a miniskirt in heels
And I was always watching you
Controlled
Quiet
I was always alone while you
You had everyone
They knew you
Your voice
Your body
You knew how to love
I jokingly called you a whore
A slut
But secretly
I always envied you
Because you just went where the wind took you
You loved EVERYBODY
I wish I could be so kind.
You told me you loved me
I was your brother
You were my sister
I told you I loved you too
And then it came
I remember when you told me
Every single detail
Of every single thing
Became more relevant to me
Than the words coming out of your mouth
I could smell the Axe kilo, blended softly with the Chanel perfume you loved so much as I inhaled softly
The flutter of my heartbeat as my heart skipped three beats, and the rush of blood as it worked overtime to catch up
How my world tinged red
The terrified tremor in your voice so low, just above a scratchy whisper, hoarse with the uncertainty of whats to come
The feel of your warm manicured hands, on mine rough and cold, such a strange contrast for too people who shared the same soul.
I realize now the irony of the movie you chose
How ironic it was always my favorite
I think they meant it
When they said you can’t buy love
Now I know you can rent it
And then you looked at me
I have AIDS
…
…
…
The hospital bright and white and blurred and strange and different and
The smell like death and disease and pain and sorrow and
The scenes of blood and tears and wires and tubes and white coats stern stares, out cries and I
Just can’t take it.
And we leave with your prescription
22 pills
and you laugh
and you cry
and I see the pain in your eyes as I hold you laughing and crying and dying and sad and theres no way I can help you
and you knew that
your pain was killing me
didn’t you
Didn’t you?
Was that why you did it
Was that why you
Was that
Why

Blood, blood, blood, blood, blood, blood,
So much blood gushing out of the hole in
Your stomach
Bloody fingerprints on the knife that caused the blood bath
Your own fingerprints outlined in red
Not even a letter to say goodbye
Was that why
Out cries and I just can’t take it
Every single detail
Your voice
Your body
I was always jealous,
Quiet
Controlled
Even now
I still feel the pain that you left me with
Your last will and testament
To give me the burden of pain that you could not carry
I always envied
You with your freedom
You
You
Your still free

Sick

I am sick
And tired
Of being sick and tired
of men
life
and love
And I am Sick
and Tired of being tense and wired
trying to make sense
of How I feel
When all the while it's just so futile
when i know
Nothings gonna change
And yet
im seen as deranged when i strive
for change im seen as strange but
I can help myself for i couldnt live
if it all stayed the same
So Excuse Me if im too much
Excuse Me if your not ready
Excuse me if you cant handle the epic porportions of my personality
If your reality isn't strong enough to encompass me
But i am Sic and tired of being sick and tired of being So Damn Sick and tired
So pardon Me if i seem rude

His name was porky
And he had no quills
His mom hated him
His dad beat him
They called him freak
idiot
retard
In there eyes he was deformed
They Were His Parents
and yet he had no family
His name was porky
and he had no quills
His peers preened
and flashed
their spiny plumage
Trying to impress
With their rolls of quills
His name was porky
and he had no quills
So he rolled quills of another kind
The white quills
That realeased him
Brought him high in the sky where the time flies by and no one looked twice at a porcupine without a spine as long as you pass the blunt and keep drinking the wine
Because porky was with the birds
His name was porky
and he had no quills
but gues what
he no longer cared for
He had found his
Refuge





and OMFG this was hard
lol
my topic was pretty much
a depressed porcupine that has no quills and have
developed a weed addicted and its gonna be in the category of
inspirational

I loved you
You were not perfect in my eyes
the sun didnt glean from your ass
but
That only made you more real
You tasted real
You felt real
You smelled
Real
It wasn't just the hours we spent on the phone talking
it wasn just your lips on mine
the warm intimacy of the possibility that this could be
My last first kiss
It wasnt you eyes that sucked me in
The eyes i could stare into and get lost
Because in those eyes i found peace
It wasnt the way my heart broke
At every fight
Every dispute
Everytime i though i did
Something wrong
I loved you
it wasn't because you were such a CREEP
or because when you hugged me
i felt so uncomfortable
because i was scared that i would never want to leave
It wasnt your laugh quiet, deep, slow
or the smile that creep up on your face
curling like a paper streamer
until the fllash of white teeth belayed surprise
It wasn't your ambiguity, your fluidity, your abilty to by simultaneously, hard and soft,
big and small,
safe and scary
It wsn't the way just the sound of your voice could make me smile
Make my day brighten
No
It was because
Of that
One Little Moment
In the park
When our hands met
And i realized
you felt the same

Show me your destiny

Give me your sorrows

Ill take on responsibility 

I wont change tomorrow

Because

I LOVE YOU

i know you dont want to trust me

because your so scared

Your so scared

But i just think your selfish

Because this,

is no your typical stereotypical, antipathetical

relationship that ends with the undressing of our emotional barriers

Into the physical guilt of finally being a working class hoe

This is the real veracious incorruptible kind of analogy 

That is the essence of you and me

so blindingly coming together

that even when were head over heels with Hate

were still head over heels

I need you to admit that you trust me 

I know you do

ive been places no one before can intrude

Yet you still cling to this breached barrier

And i know you know i already broke through

I know you better than i know myself

Your voice

My conscience

Your life

The counter to my center

 I LOVE YOU

I know you think i want that metaphorical green light so we can eternally moved forward

But in truth i want the yellow light so as we eternally look at each other slowing down patiently waiting until we finally STOp 

with all the bullshit

stop with all the Games

And You finally let me in

And correlate my name

To Reliability

Security

Sanctuary

Responsibility

And you finally say you love me

Not just with you heart your eyes

but with the mind that is so determined to hide

Your TRUE feelings

Because

Sin tu amor

Sin tu corazon

Sin tu alma

I am broken

i cannot act right 

Cannot think right

Cannot be Right

Simply because i need 

YOU

Death

the feel of
your neck beneath
my blade makes me excited
For i am DEATH and i bring pain
but more so i bring release from this
world and i enjoy it. Is it bad what i do?
I think not
for i am
not the
cause
but the
bearer
of
bad news
that People
do not
want to
hear. Is
it a crime
what i do,
bringing death,
release to those
past their expiration
dates i think not. so i am
not evil i am in essence just
a garbage man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The ABC's Of SKY
Sky's ? Absolutely Abscising Agitation Take you and your ghetto, somewhere else ?
Sky's ? Balefully Banishing Braggadocio Simply because, your not perfect! ?
Sky's ? Confidently Conquering Cainotophobia Because things can't just stay the same, life would lose meaning ?
Sky's ? Diabolically Disabling Discrimination Because who really wants everyone to be the same? ?
Sky's ? Earnestly Eradicating Elistists I mean really, Get over yourself ?
Sky's ? Fanatically Fearing Faineants Because there's a life out there, go find it ?
Sky's ? Gladly Glorifying Gallantry simply because life need more knights in shining armor ?
Sky's ? Happily Hating Habituation The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over, and yet you expect different results ?
Sky's ? Impartially Ignoring Ignorance I mean come on, your slow, why do you need my attention? ?
Sky's ? Judiciously Jamming Jactitation Say what you mean; i dont like playing games ?
Sky's ? Keenly Killing Knavery Doesn't life have enough jackasses without you adding your input? ?
Sky's ? Leerily Lacerating Larceny I mean doesn't everybody hate a theif? ?
Sky's ? Madly Maiming Misunderstanding Im right. Your wrong. Are we clear? ? *just playing=)*
Sky's ? Nastily Nailing Narcism Only a few select people can be the shit, without stinking!!! ?
Sky's ? Ostentatiously Overiding Obstinance It's ok to be firm in your belief, but when you stubbornly cling to an ideal that's been proven to be wrong it just displays your ignorance ?
Sky's ? Proudly Presenting Pride Gay People RULE!!!!! ?
Sky's ? Quietly Quenching Quarreling Arguements are started by idiots, mimicking intelligent debate, and when they realize they can't, that their inadequate, they resort to profanity and violence ?
Sky's ? Regally Reducing Ridicule For if you comfortable with yourself, Why do you need to hurt someone else ?
Sky's ? Stubbornly Stomping Stigmas Stereotypes are just another form of false prejudice, so yeah, YOUR RACIST, *or homophobic* ?
Sky's ? Tactfully Tackling Tabescence Um yeah, GET A LIFE!!! ?
Sky's ? Unequivocally Undermining Urbaniztion Do you really want to look just like that guy? ?
Sky's ? Viciously Vanquishing Vanity For True Beauty needs no disclaimer ?
Sky's ? Witheringly Wangling Weeping Sadness is a terrible emotion, usually inspired by loneliness to some degree, the best way to overcome is to go out, and get a hug ?
Sky's ? eXtraodinarily eXterminating Xenophobia Because accents are HOTT!!! ?
Sky's ? Yearly Yearning Youth Ah the bliss of youthful ignorance (not to be confused with common day stupidity) ?
Sky's ? Zealously Zapping Zealots Is it REALLY that important, that you have to knock on my door at 4 am to tell me about it. ?